Whispers of Adventure

As my time in Bellingham comes to an end, I can't help but admire and nostalgically stare at the odd quirks strewn about town. This is a place that I have fallen in love with, plain and simple. Four years is the longest I have lived in one place outside of my home-state, Alaska. Bellingham fed me my independence and guided me to the most encouraging and supportive people I know. It makes me sad to realize that just as I am finally given the freedom of time to truly explore the deeper intricacies and unique setting that I am in, I am leaving. Sometimes I wonder if I am just running away. Am I finding it too comfortable to stay here? What if I forever need to hold on to my nomadic tendencies and roam about the world; what about a home? In my last year of school I can remember my friends and I talking, complaining really, about Bellingham the city of subdued excitement, really. Where was the life? Where were the new people? Coming from a small town in Alaska with a population less than 10,000 while growing up, Bellingham is easily described as a city in comparison. Though, after spending four years deeply embedded in the college population (that shifts every single year, mind you) I do believe we felt like that was that. The comings and goings of our peers were no longer the exciting events that it used to be; we could feel the end nearing. No more 'new' classes or classmates...we weren't going to be part of the special population: the students. Now that I am not a student, I have to say that I love it so much. Don't get me wrong, I love to learn and being in school was enjoyable to a certain degree--but I love my afternoon runs and reading books at the park. I love having time for me, for you, for anything. Whilst I have been enjoying this time, I have come to realize that the newness of Bellingham is far more prevalent than previously realized or wanted to see. I am still meeting new people in places that I have been going or participating in activities for years. Wonderful, talented and unique people who I wish dearly that I had met earlier on. I am still discovering roads and paths, beaches and trails that I have never heard of or seen before. Have I willingly been blinded to opportunities that might have created attachment to Bellingham? Perhaps New York has not been calling me like I thought, so much as I've been whispering promises of adventure to myself if only I'd leave...

I've been reading this fantastic blog Thinking Out Loud and the post today was all about embarking on a new journey and the fear and excitement associated with that newness. Kim talks about how it was the best decision in the moment even though at the time, she was nervous it was a mistake. It was so comforting to me to read about someone elses experience at this time in my life. This move is really startingn to scare me. Not so much as to stop me, but enough for me to think very seriously about the important people in my life and to think about what I want to gather from this experience. I want to make the most of it, and I really hope I don't disappoint anyone--especially myself.

I. AM. A. RUNNER.

**the photo was borrowed from google images--if this is your image please let me know and I'll take it down and/or credit you. Thank you!**

Last night I went for my daily run/walk. I wasn't quite sure that I was making progress until last night. I have been trying to go out every evening--surprisingly I look forward to my jaunt all day. If I miss a day or two (this wkend it was three!)I still have gotten right back into it when my schedule goes back to normal. Usually, if I take a few days break from an activity like this, I'll just give up and keep pushing back until 'later' and of course that never comes. Alas, I am on week 3 and feeling great! I ran from my apartment (25th st) up 24th to Harris and 21st. It was the longest continuous run I've done--possibly ever!--and I wasn't out of breath and I felt SO good. Wow. What a great feeling. I think I could really become a runner. A real runner. Someone who could run a half marathons, full marathons or maybe a triathalon (that may be too ambitious)? My goal is to start training for a half marathon next year. Maybe I'll try to do the New York marathon (half) and run with a charity? It is every November. That would give me a good year to train. I never thought I'd enjoy running as much as I do. I LOVE it. Without music--just me, my legs and the air. Mmmmhmmm. It feels good to know that I can change my self. I always thought I would never be very active because I got so winded so quickly. My big excuse was that I couldn't run because of my lung damage I have from my bouts of pneumonia. Sure, it is there and definitely has affected me but I haven't ever had the motivation to get up and just go for it, and see if I could train myself. Now I feel like I can. It all goes back to that cleanse, and really proving to myself that I am the only one with the power over my well-being and decisions.

Wind on my shoulder

It's curious, the amount of influence certain people have in our lives. The way they come and go as the wind does--as it wishes, but without really knowing why? It seems like coincidence. The timing sometimes is perfect, as if meant to be. I feel a rush of trust and love, perhaps even a misattribution of attraction. I love wholly and fast. It is scary. Even with my closest friends, sometimes my trust and vulnerability scares me. I can be so afraid of the hurt I open myself up for. I am unfortunately anxiety ridden; I am one of those people who panic when someone doesn't show up on time--not because I am angry, but because I have the worst case scenarios running like race horses through my mind: hit by a train, robbed, murdered, found out someone died, had a heart attack, hit by a moose/deer, what if they had an appendicitis while driving? SARS? H1N1 (swine) flu? An unknown viral infection that makes you disappear and never be heard from again...what if you leave me and I don't have a reason? What if, I am left all alone? What if I get made a fool of, again. What if...my mind plays these tricks on itself and I wish that it wouldn't. I am reading a book right now (one of far too many, or so I think people would say) called Crucial Conversations a book that talks about not letting your emotions dictate your actions but, understanding where they are coming from and using that knowledge to have better communication and compassion. I don't really know where I am going with all of this--I know I am looking for something, I just don't know what. I want my words to spill forth unto this computer screen with answers for me. Why won't my words speak to me the universe's answers? Or, are they right here in front of me?