such power and sadness and greatness they have. I am deeply affected by the unrest and division that is taking place within my country specifically, but our world too. I don't know what I can do? I wish I could breathe peace unto us all. I wish that I could believe in God, in Jesus Christ. But, I don't and I don't know that I can. I think it would help me to be more at ease if I believe that there was a being to 'save' me and wash away my 'sins'. I hate the idea of sins. I think they are oppressive. It makes me feel like a bad person and while sometimes I may be, I do not believe that I was born a bad person for any reason--most especially because I am a woman. I am ignorant toward a Christian community outside of the 'conservative right-wing' and mega-church goers. It's so unfair of me to hold such stereotypes...I try to look beyond the word, the association; to try and embrace the difference and uniqueness of the individual. It's so hard. How can I be so attracted to someone with such different (moral) views than I? Am I setting myself up for a broken heart? I am finally realizing that I want to be with someone for the rest of my life--I want to celebrate 50 years with someone whom I adore, love and respect. I want that best-friend companionate relationship. Fire and passion too, but ultimately that isn't the only thing that I desire. I want someone who I want a family with; I want to share that with someone. It's so frustrating to think that that's what everyone wants, and it takes so long to find someone. Or does it? Am I closed off to the real possibility of being with someone because it scares me soo soo much? What if I am a self-fulfilling prophecy? What is I never allow myself that source of happiness and contentment because I am afraid of failure? I want love and respect, fun and passion. Why is that the hardest thing to find?
