It is interesting to me how time tends to gather and bulge, we have an abundance and then all in an instant it seems to be rapidly slipping through our hair strands and the air itself is absorbing it.
I have been in New York now for 9 (almost 10) months. My sense of direction has greatly improved, I do not fear the subway, I do not acknowledge the sexism displayed by side-comments and stares of strange men. I do not fear, though I still am saddened by, the homeless on the streets--the starkness of poverty against the polished tall corporate buildings. I have made a life here after having started literally with nothing. I did it. I made it. As my time in New York is quickly coming to an end, I often catch myself gazing at the streets and observing the people and the level of content I can read on their faces. Some I feel are satisfied and fulfiilled with their life...the vast majority sit stone faced, dull eyed and are the type of people where they wait for things to happen; they do not go out and MAKE things happen. This too, makes me sad.
Some important lessons have been learned here.
As unsteady and scared I am to be an adult in an uncertain world; unsure of where I am going to end up in my life, I know who I am deep within. I have certain morals, beliefs and core principles that I have held true within me and if New York City didn't make me compromise those, then I am confident that no one and no place ever will.
Sadly, my life has already been touched by the fragility of being a human far too many times. And, it shall continue to have moments where that fragility is slapped in my face time and again until it is my own time to face it. With that being said, tp be aware and truly conscious of our human life and the predicament of that condition, is a gift. I do not walk blindly through my life any more. I open my eyes to the possibilities, the tragedy, the comedy and the love within my lifetime.
I make a great attempt to surround myself with people who will help me succeed in my goals, in happiness and who also feel like I can help them with theirs. I believe that is the purpose and importance of having a variety of friends; each one has something unique and valuable to add to the relationship. I feel sad and once again lonely at the prospect of moving (back across the country) to another new place, another new job, and have to find another group of friends. It intimidates me and while yes, I am confident I will be okay--I can't help but think back to those months after moving to New York when I felt terribly alone and depressed. The world was distant from me and no one near me knew me or could provide me with a hug to comfort me...the people who I share my secret with couldn't feel the whisper of my breath on their ear or the tears on their palms. I was just an echo across a wire, a signal...a sound.
