What does it take in a world of false realities?

What if I want to be a narrative writer and tell stories, about me and my life. I want to breathe reality into the air. I want the brutal honesty and sharp vulnerability to be slathered onto the screen. Especially in these times where we are incessentatly barraged with reality tv shows like The Real Housewives of New Jersey or The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Not to say that I am not a fan of these shows, because I am very guilty of having my own unhealthy obsession with at least on of them...but, I want more. I wish that I could believe that shows like this, deemed 'reality' by producers and gobbled up by millions of viewers a week, actually have reality in them, but I don't. I see the happily ever after type scenarios that are displayed after eight weeks of romancing, and I fall in love with the idea of falling in love that fast. In fact, I did it myself. But, that relationship lasted just under six months. It wasn't the forever that I thought it would be. And you know what? I think that shows like The Bachelor and Disney princess films totally screw(ed) me up; thinking of the prince charming waiting for me out there. It really is a bunch of flooey. I am not trying to be pessimistic, just that there is a lot of pressure to find "the one" and be "happily-ever-after" forever, and ever. But, what happens if your standards are so high (based on fictional animated characters or a false setting of romance and speed-dating) that you feel like you are constantly searching for that one? Even though, that one may be, in fact, right in front of you and you can't see it because of the delusional images you are 'supposed' to be searching for?! It is so frustrating.

How do I find the truth, the reality in my life and not get caught up in the fluff of romantic notions?

Office karaoke

It has come to this. I sit and lipsynch, silently motioning my head to the beat of a classic rock song or a funky eurotech groove...at my desk. I just ate yogurt that may or may not have been good. It has a sell by date of June 7, 2009. Did I mention that it is 7-29-2009?

I think it's fine.
Right. Right? Maybe my stomach has become hardy after my cleanse. Speaking of which. I am totally going to do it again before I leave for new york. Perhaps the week that Sarah and Ryan are in Ireland.

I am almost done with the damn damn house at Abbott Street. I really do NOT want to pay Scott. But, I will. Because it is the right thing to do. Blah.

TICKETS are being bought THIS WEEEEEEEEK
I am SO excited.

Words

such power and sadness and greatness they have. I am deeply affected by the unrest and division that is taking place within my country specifically, but our world too. I don't know what I can do? I wish I could breathe peace unto us all. I wish that I could believe in God, in Jesus Christ. But, I don't and I don't know that I can. I think it would help me to be more at ease if I believe that there was a being to 'save' me and wash away my 'sins'. I hate the idea of sins. I think they are oppressive. It makes me feel like a bad person and while sometimes I may be, I do not believe that I was born a bad person for any reason--most especially because I am a woman. I am ignorant toward a Christian community outside of the 'conservative right-wing' and mega-church goers. It's so unfair of me to hold such stereotypes...I try to look beyond the word, the association; to try and embrace the difference and uniqueness of the individual. It's so hard. How can I be so attracted to someone with such different (moral) views than I? Am I setting myself up for a broken heart? I am finally realizing that I want to be with someone for the rest of my life--I want to celebrate 50 years with someone whom I adore, love and respect. I want that best-friend companionate relationship. Fire and passion too, but ultimately that isn't the only thing that I desire. I want someone who I want a family with; I want to share that with someone. It's so frustrating to think that that's what everyone wants, and it takes so long to find someone. Or does it? Am I closed off to the real possibility of being with someone because it scares me soo soo much? What if I am a self-fulfilling prophecy? What is I never allow myself that source of happiness and contentment because I am afraid of failure? I want love and respect, fun and passion. Why is that the hardest thing to find?