Play.Ground.Play: a night time pondering photo poem

In wonderment I wonder, where can the stars be tonight? While they gaze from the sky, wishing for me to wish upon them, do they wonder where have I gone? I wonder if the universe feels lonely to the stars: to suspend within the sky, twinkling. The silent, distant, unseen existence weights heavily on my mind. And yet, I wonder what if we are only as significant as the stars? You. Me. Them. Caught in this web, this entanglement of existence. You. Me. Us. We are together in this vast nothingness--everythingness. Twinkling.

Whispers of Adventure

As my time in Bellingham comes to an end, I can't help but admire and nostalgically stare at the odd quirks strewn about town. This is a place that I have fallen in love with, plain and simple. Four years is the longest I have lived in one place outside of my home-state, Alaska. Bellingham fed me my independence and guided me to the most encouraging and supportive people I know. It makes me sad to realize that just as I am finally given the freedom of time to truly explore the deeper intricacies and unique setting that I am in, I am leaving. Sometimes I wonder if I am just running away. Am I finding it too comfortable to stay here? What if I forever need to hold on to my nomadic tendencies and roam about the world; what about a home? In my last year of school I can remember my friends and I talking, complaining really, about Bellingham the city of subdued excitement, really. Where was the life? Where were the new people? Coming from a small town in Alaska with a population less than 10,000 while growing up, Bellingham is easily described as a city in comparison. Though, after spending four years deeply embedded in the college population (that shifts every single year, mind you) I do believe we felt like that was that. The comings and goings of our peers were no longer the exciting events that it used to be; we could feel the end nearing. No more 'new' classes or classmates...we weren't going to be part of the special population: the students. Now that I am not a student, I have to say that I love it so much. Don't get me wrong, I love to learn and being in school was enjoyable to a certain degree--but I love my afternoon runs and reading books at the park. I love having time for me, for you, for anything. Whilst I have been enjoying this time, I have come to realize that the newness of Bellingham is far more prevalent than previously realized or wanted to see. I am still meeting new people in places that I have been going or participating in activities for years. Wonderful, talented and unique people who I wish dearly that I had met earlier on. I am still discovering roads and paths, beaches and trails that I have never heard of or seen before. Have I willingly been blinded to opportunities that might have created attachment to Bellingham? Perhaps New York has not been calling me like I thought, so much as I've been whispering promises of adventure to myself if only I'd leave...

I've been reading this fantastic blog Thinking Out Loud and the post today was all about embarking on a new journey and the fear and excitement associated with that newness. Kim talks about how it was the best decision in the moment even though at the time, she was nervous it was a mistake. It was so comforting to me to read about someone elses experience at this time in my life. This move is really startingn to scare me. Not so much as to stop me, but enough for me to think very seriously about the important people in my life and to think about what I want to gather from this experience. I want to make the most of it, and I really hope I don't disappoint anyone--especially myself.

Looking Up: Wandering Kitchen

This is a van that belongs to a group of folks I met in Fairhaven whilst wondering around. They provide free food and are known as a wandering kitchen. They drive all over the U.S.A. and come from all over as well. Utah, California, Minnesota and Wyoming were some of the places they mentioned being from. They get the food from farmers and locals who donate it. Very hippie, very nice. They were generous and let me photograph their rad bus!

(A project) Looking Up: Noticing the Everday Unnoticeables

I have been inspired to do a photography project within my blog. I am not sure yet of it's frequency, but I do know the angle I am going to take. It is going to start out with simply taking photographs of things that are Up. It has come to my attention that I often walk around looking down, at feet, the sidewalk or stare vacantly forward--absent mindedly missing many amazing and small beauties every day. I have also noticed that many people do this. How many times have you walked along the same street only to one day too see a sign that you've never seen before? "Hey! Look at that sign--is that new?" only to have your wonderfully loyal friend say, "Uh, really? That's been there since we got to school...3 years ago." Hmmmm. Thus, my project! I hope you will enjoy it. This time around there are quite a few photos, I would imagine they will not be in such abundence in the future. Cheers!

When it's right, it's right.

I find it incredible, the power of a decision and how if it is the right one, things tend to fall into place rather quickly. My decision to move to New York was one of the hardest I've had to consider in a very long time. The inner struggle of whether to stay close to my family or to follow a dream, a gut instinct tore me up to the point of anxiety attacks and migraines. In the end, I knew what I needed, and most importantly wanted, to do. New York has been calling to me since I was a very little girl. My whole family can attest to this as apparently, it was channeled through me with my inability to pronounce the letter 'R' properly, thus giving me a nice New York edge. With that being said, I am still finding it difficult to believe that I am going to be moving to New York City, with no real expiration date. I am not going for a school, or internship--but, for my life (not to be confused with life-time, which I don't expect). Knowing in the deepest part of my being that I am making the right decision for this part of my life has only been strengthened with every contact, every phone call and every potential job possibility that has come my way. And boy, let me tell you I am beginning to get overwhelmed (in the best possible way!) by all of the wonderful people I have spoken with and the generosity in sharing friends, contacts and colleagues. I truly believe New York is my right decision. With each day bringing new opportunities.

I have exciting news to share--not only was I highly recommended for the job that I have an interview for in September, but the chairman of one of the most prestigious international law firms specifically asked the director of pro bono (of that firm) to look out for me and help me identify a perfect place to work! I spoke with him this morning and after we discussed my interests and the kind of environment I want to be in the firm he suggested just so happened to be the one and the same firm that I have the interview with! We both got a chuckle out of that. He wrote the firm and just said "we love her, too!" and said what I just mentioned about the looking out for me stuff. Coincidence? I have no idea what else to call it besides amazing! I wrote a friend an e-mail this morning sharing that news, and I think I will just use a piece of that since I think it was put so succinctly--the oddity of coincidence that is.

who would have thought that a partner in Bellingham at the firm I work at, would be connected to the chairman of a[n internationally renowned law] firm that works closely with the law firm that [I have an interview with] came to me by way of my ex-boyfriends mom?!

If it is luck, then I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. If there is fate, then New York is obviously where I should be going right now. Anyway that I look at it, it is an occurence of the universe (whatever capacity you may believe, God or otherwise) and I am thankful and so very grateful.

I. AM. A. RUNNER.

**the photo was borrowed from google images--if this is your image please let me know and I'll take it down and/or credit you. Thank you!**

Last night I went for my daily run/walk. I wasn't quite sure that I was making progress until last night. I have been trying to go out every evening--surprisingly I look forward to my jaunt all day. If I miss a day or two (this wkend it was three!)I still have gotten right back into it when my schedule goes back to normal. Usually, if I take a few days break from an activity like this, I'll just give up and keep pushing back until 'later' and of course that never comes. Alas, I am on week 3 and feeling great! I ran from my apartment (25th st) up 24th to Harris and 21st. It was the longest continuous run I've done--possibly ever!--and I wasn't out of breath and I felt SO good. Wow. What a great feeling. I think I could really become a runner. A real runner. Someone who could run a half marathons, full marathons or maybe a triathalon (that may be too ambitious)? My goal is to start training for a half marathon next year. Maybe I'll try to do the New York marathon (half) and run with a charity? It is every November. That would give me a good year to train. I never thought I'd enjoy running as much as I do. I LOVE it. Without music--just me, my legs and the air. Mmmmhmmm. It feels good to know that I can change my self. I always thought I would never be very active because I got so winded so quickly. My big excuse was that I couldn't run because of my lung damage I have from my bouts of pneumonia. Sure, it is there and definitely has affected me but I haven't ever had the motivation to get up and just go for it, and see if I could train myself. Now I feel like I can. It all goes back to that cleanse, and really proving to myself that I am the only one with the power over my well-being and decisions.

Nomadic days and Fraudulent ways

Here we go! The last several days have been quite the busy ones for me...so hold on for the ride kids, this one's gonna take awhile.

Thursday night I went to the iDiOM Theater for the start of the 24 hr Theater Festival Fundraiser. The breakdown:

Five directors/writers
approx. 25 people

Thursday night: 7-8pm theme chosen **To Split a Herd** (teams were also picked using the randomly drawn from a hat method)
Thursday 8pm-Friday 9am writers/directors (the same person) wrote their script for an approximately 12-15 minutes play
Friday 9am-8pm Actors recieve script, rehearse, memorize, rehearse, memorize (did I mention rehearse and memorize?)
Friday 8pm PERFORM!! & (rehearse, memorize...) 10pm PERFORM (this performance, by the way was flawless and felt incredible)!!

Exhausting. Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. I don't know another experience that provides me with so much satisfaction at the end of the day--I just did a whole play in one day!? Mmmhmm. Pretty bitchin.

After staying up waaay past my bedtime and not getting home until 2am (it was my last show and yes, I went out for pizza and drinks after with the group)then packing until 3am for my weekend excursion to Seattle, I got up at 6:45am. It was brutal. I needed to shower though, and make an 8am Greyhound bus. Thus, with my barely 4 hours of sleep I meandered my way to Seattle and decided, instead of taking a bus up the hill to Capitol Hill, I would walk--yes. After all of that and being a vewy sleepy bear, I walked. En route to my sisters apartment I detoured and went into a lovely vintage/used store called Le Frock, a store that I so easily get lost in. Amidst the vintage Jimmy Choo shoes (amazingly in my size--what?) and the silk Diane von Furstenberg dresses and dangling in between the sequined clutch bags hanging from the full length mirrors, I found my tired self tucked into a tiny overheated dressing room aimlessly trying on the delectible designs because, that's what I felt like doing at 10:30am. Eventually, I did leave (empty handed but wishing not!) and caught a bus up the big hill.

A lovely afternoon spent with my family on Bainbridge Island, and a nap later, I was surrounded by the people who I love the most and getting a little misty eyed when I thought of leaving for the otherside of the country. Some part of me thinks it's crazy and selfish for wanting to go on such an adventure, for so long potentially and far away. Where have the old values gone that keeps families close by? Parents and children living on the same street, the same town...at least the same state? Is that gone, or am I just too set in my nomadic ways?

After saying goodbye to the island family and bringing home some treasures found in my mom's old photo albums, I again found my eyes heavy and on the ferry ride back and car ride up the hill I dozed in and out of consciousness; reality playing games with me and my subconsious existence. Was I already in New York? Why was Brett on the Ferry, isn't he in Texas? No, I am not asleep just resting my eyes...

Sunday proved to be a lovely day first of all because I got to SLEEP IN! Thank you to my wonderful big sister Tamia for that one...little Avery wakes up bright and early as toddlers do, and she crept out into the living room where auntie heather was very asleep on the couch and made a noise of some kind that awoke me. I tried to speak, but I am pretty sure that Avery was more vocally coherent than I was, which for a 2 3/4 year old is special. I guess that the Sunday morning ritual is to hang out in mama and papa's room anyways, so their schedule wasn't too terribly disturbed by the 'dead to the world' auntie dozing on the couch. Eventually though, we all were up and I had a wonderful afternoon with Tamia. We went to see Julie/Julia and I think that we both agreed with the reviews on this one and that it was a good movie--but, would have been better had it been all about Julia Child! Not that Julie Powell's story wasn't cute and endearing at moments, and Amy Adams who played Julie was very good...but, Meryl Streep stole the show as did Julie Child's story and the amazing adventure of her life. What a really cool woman she was. I must read her book now, though that won't be for a bit as my stack of books is still quite high! After returning from the movie and stepping out into the surprisingly sunny day, Tamia and I shared a delicious hotdog and raspberry/strawberry lemonades and headed back to the apartment. My other sister Jasmine was there and we all hung out and played with Avery while visiting. Since Jasmine is leaving for South America in October, all of us won't be together until sometime next year...sad. And Jas is now going into the Peace Corps late next year so, wow--lots of travel in the future!! Alas, I finally made it home after walking up from the bus station into Fairhaven and thought I could catch a city bus home only to find out, nope. Definitely no bus #14 after 6pm on Sundays--awesome. Lovely Sarah came and picked me up in her (new to her) Nissan that has a terrible oil leak and started making a distinct squeaking nose on our way home.

And now...


I got to work today and decided to check my bank accounts and credit card as I usually do, just to keep up with my always-hoverin-at-poverty-level income. I have a lovely Quicken program that I love sooo much because it has everything on one very well-designed page. I was happy to see that saving for my trip to Turkey is coming along nicely, and then I noticed that my credit card seemed to be rather low considering I never use it...this led to further investigation whence I come to find out that not only have I had money taken from my account, but over $200!! The idiot that I am, the first charge was back at the end of MAY, two in June and FOUR in July! Granted, I am going to give myself sooome leeway because they were sneaky and made them look like charges that I could have made.

BEWARE the Scammers:
Grant Finder 877-817-9769 CYP (yes, CYP is short Cypress...the island)
Adword-Search 877-616-9329 CYP
ID Cred-It Monitor 866-892-0022 CYP
Blazingwords 866-200-5186 CYP
Search Assistant Suppor 888-203-0065 UT (Utah)

They are all from the same source the general consensus online has been a Google profit thing (I would assume that it has nothing to actually do with Google, but a way to make it appear legit). However, people have claimed not to have any connection with the Google profit thing and have had not only their credit card but their debit card scammed too. I called my credit card company and they were really great and understanding, so should something like this happen to you (and might I suggest that paying that extra little fee per month for payment protection/fraud is SO worth it) just breathe, and know you aren't the only one. However, I will say that this is the last time I casually look over my billing statements. Eagle eyes are here to stay...

Wind on my shoulder

It's curious, the amount of influence certain people have in our lives. The way they come and go as the wind does--as it wishes, but without really knowing why? It seems like coincidence. The timing sometimes is perfect, as if meant to be. I feel a rush of trust and love, perhaps even a misattribution of attraction. I love wholly and fast. It is scary. Even with my closest friends, sometimes my trust and vulnerability scares me. I can be so afraid of the hurt I open myself up for. I am unfortunately anxiety ridden; I am one of those people who panic when someone doesn't show up on time--not because I am angry, but because I have the worst case scenarios running like race horses through my mind: hit by a train, robbed, murdered, found out someone died, had a heart attack, hit by a moose/deer, what if they had an appendicitis while driving? SARS? H1N1 (swine) flu? An unknown viral infection that makes you disappear and never be heard from again...what if you leave me and I don't have a reason? What if, I am left all alone? What if I get made a fool of, again. What if...my mind plays these tricks on itself and I wish that it wouldn't. I am reading a book right now (one of far too many, or so I think people would say) called Crucial Conversations a book that talks about not letting your emotions dictate your actions but, understanding where they are coming from and using that knowledge to have better communication and compassion. I don't really know where I am going with all of this--I know I am looking for something, I just don't know what. I want my words to spill forth unto this computer screen with answers for me. Why won't my words speak to me the universe's answers? Or, are they right here in front of me?

Soul food

Blue Guide to Istanbul by Lillias Bever, in Bellini in Istanbul

The blue of early morning
and diesel smoke, of pollution hovering
in the hills above the Bosphorus

the pointed shadows of the fountains,
the blue cry
of the ezan of dawn--

the blue of sea and sky, of boats crossing
and recrossing the straits,

and the blue and white uniforms of the ferrymen,
the ferries rumbling impatiently at the landing,

the blue domes of the mosques, covered
inside with Iznik tiles,

and palaces, gleaming marble
by the blue waters of the straits;

The blue of entrance tickets,
passports, the uniforms
f the tourist police,

the blue of the nazar boncuk, talismans
against the evil eye
outside shops and houses, pinned up in taxicabs,

the blue eyes of the woman
in the bakery at Kanhca
who refused to look at me,

the blue of suspicion--

Glass and marble and blue carpet
at your parents' house
on Hekimler Sitesi,

the blue
of your father's paintings
of sea and sky, the world
in perpetual motion,

the Uzbek blue
of your mother's eyes inspecting
my dress, the rings on my fingers;

the blue-silver scales of fish
at the fish market,
blue parakeets in the cages
at the bird-market,

the blue of desire--

Yogurt so white
it's almost blue,
the blue of the swimming pool
I wanted to disappear in,

the blue of foreignness--

Blue steam in Sultanahmet
from the tops of the hamams,

the blue of Byzantine mosaics,
the blue face of Christ
at Aya Sofya,

blue tears of the disappointed lovers
in the miniatures,

Mejnun crying out among the animals
in a blue wilderness--

Wildflowers
along the highway
to Erzurum, and high in the Kackar
blue butterflies
in the alpine meadows,
and higher up, tiny poisonous blue berries,
the blue of the lake
we would not reach--

the blue of possibility--

The blue of secrets,
and the small bruises
along my arm,

the blue ink of a journal
written right to left
in a fluid Arabic script
like the waves along the Bosphorus,

the blue of betrayal

In Istanbul
at the Ismail Aga Cafe,
blue shadows beneath your eyes,
the blue veins on the back of your hands
cupped around a tulip-shaped glass

of tea, smoke
from passing busses and trucks
rising, fading away into the air
of another, impossibly clear morning,

our last, though everything
around us was blue, still blue--

I can't describe exactly how this poem makes me feel; the goose bumps I have on my arms and legs tell their own story of the power these words have over me. They shout and pull at me, grasping onto my imagination and I am there--I am amidst that crowded street, that cafe and blue is devestating my every sight. I crave to hone words into a masterpiece like this. Lillias Bever, your words have clung to my very spirit.

**
My thoughts on religion have been aplenty recently. I have been soaking up books like they are the ocean and I sand--my urge is to shovel as many books in front of me as I can; to be embedded within pages discussing theology and God, the existence or lack of...this song, Laughing With, of Regina Spektor's newest album, Far, is the most recent song to stop me in my tracks. It is not only melodically beautiful and appeasing to the ear, but the words are heavy and saturated with questions and thoughts and questions.

This, I believe

"you cannot significantly change your life, for better or for worse, by manipulating the material world. not by schmoozing, not by sweating, not by fasting. but change, great change, is inescapable when you first begin manipulating the world of your thoughts." -the universe

This was taken from the blog 'elective thinking' and Christina, I hope you don't mind that I posted it here! It is a marvelous quote that truly speaks to me.

Let's rev the community-economic engine, folks

If you haven't already been introduced to the 3/50 project you need to. It's a brilliant concept geared towards "saving the brick and mortars our nation was built on" and I for one, am going to heartily join the movement.

Cheers! And, happy local shopping!