It's curious, the amount of influence certain people have in our lives. The way they come and go as the wind does--as it wishes, but without really knowing why? It seems like coincidence. The timing sometimes is perfect, as if meant to be. I feel a rush of trust and love, perhaps even a misattribution of attraction. I love wholly and fast. It is scary. Even with my closest friends, sometimes my trust and vulnerability scares me. I can be so afraid of the hurt I open myself up for. I am unfortunately anxiety ridden; I am one of those people who panic when someone doesn't show up on time--not because I am angry, but because I have the worst case scenarios running like race horses through my mind: hit by a train, robbed, murdered, found out someone died, had a heart attack, hit by a moose/deer, what if they had an appendicitis while driving? SARS? H1N1 (swine) flu? An unknown viral infection that makes you disappear and never be heard from again...what if you leave me and I don't have a reason? What if, I am left all alone? What if I get made a fool of, again. What if...my mind plays these tricks on itself and I wish that it wouldn't. I am reading a book right now (one of far too many, or so I think people would say) called Crucial Conversations a book that talks about not letting your emotions dictate your actions but, understanding where they are coming from and using that knowledge to have better communication and compassion. I don't really know where I am going with all of this--I know I am looking for something, I just don't know what. I want my words to spill forth unto this computer screen with answers for me. Why won't my words speak to me the universe's answers? Or, are they right here in front of me?
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